At some point in almost every conversation, the talk inevitably turns to the abysmal state of social behaviour. It is generally agreed that Maltese people, over the years, have become more and more rude, arrogant, aggressive, intolerant and generally unpleasant.

Of course, once you start talking about this subject, the issue of who is to blame also comes up.

I often think long and hard about this phenomenon because it is so prevalent. Take a salesgirl who is utterly rude and obnoxious (or worse still, one who stares at you with silent and sneering contempt because your shape does not fit the clothes she wants to sell). It would be easy to say that she probably comes from the kind of background where manners aren’t considered important, but then the next thought that automatically pops into my head is: so why doesn’t the shop owner or manager train her to be polite? After all, I would think that it’s in their interest that customers are not made to feel insulted and I am assuming the whole point of a shop is that you want clients to feel welcome and uhm, buy something, rather than vowing vehemently to never, ever go back to that shop again. I have a black list of shops, restaurants and other places where I have been treated rudely, and I’m sure others do too.

The same goes for anyone who has to deal with the public – waitresses, receptionists, supermarket cashiers, clerks – they all need to be taught basic things like how to answer the phone politely, how to deal with customers, and how to cope with a situation where the client is unhappy or rude himself. For yes, I do realise that people in the service industry are constantly coming face to face with those who are irate, annoying and downright slappable. But I also hope that employees are aware that the answer in these situations is not to act on their impulses and blow their top at the customer, lunging for his throat. Judging from what I see around me though, I’m not so sure that what is obvious to me (i.e. the customer is always right even if you have to force yourself to smile through gritted teeth), is equally obvious to those who work in these fields.

Toughen up

I’ve tried to get to the bottom of this perplexing issue of why we find it virtually impossible to have basic good manners, and the only explanation I can come up with it is that – in the minds of some people – being polite brands you as inferior in some way. If you are quiet, soft-spoken, low key and say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, that makes you … a sissy. A pushover. Someone who can be trampled on. Laugh if you want, but I’m convinced of this.

Look around you – who gets the most attention in this country? It’s the loudmouths whose booming or piercing voices (depending on the gender) can be heard from three streets away. Whether on TV, politics or any other arena, making your presence felt has nothing to do with charisma or intelligence, but with the ability to go around with an arrogant swagger letting everyone know you’ve arrived wherever you go. I can’t stand show offs (mostly because they tend to be the ones who really have nothing of value to say), but other people seem to fall over themselves with admiration over them.

The next time you come across a bully making a nuisance of himself just notice how his buddies slap him on the back, egging him on because they think he’s really macho. If you have an altercation with someone while driving – where the bullies really come out in full force – it becomes a testosterone battle between who swears and shouts the loudest. Try to use politeness in this situation and you will get your head bashed in. Calling in the police or a warden isn’t always the answer either, because even here you find that a growl and a grimace is their idea of asserting authority, rather than a firm, but educated tone of voice.

I’m better than you

I think that the concept of good manners has been lost because somewhere along the way it became equated with deference, and in this dog eat dog world, crammed as we are on top of each other on an island which seems to be bursting at the seams, survival depends on being the top dog.

For example, in my work I often notice how difficult it is for some people to say thank you for a simple thing as an interview (which they would have asked for, by the way). Do they think it will put them under some obligation? Or that they will be considered ‘less’ by expressing gratitude, because it might come across as grovelling? Well, actually, the opposite is true. Being too busy is no excuse either, because it takes two seconds to send an e-mail. In fact, in my book, there is no excuse for not saying thank you.

On the other hand, I have also received handwritten notes of thanks (which in this electronic age is rare), a gesture which raises my estimation of the person through the roof.

And don’t even get me started on lack of punctuality. No, it’s not acceptable, no matter who you are (Joseph Muscat are you listening?). We might try to laugh it off as a charming idiosyncrasy of our laidback Mediterranean culture – but I’m afraid that doesn’t wash with me. Get organised, plan ahead, decide what you’re going to wear from the night before if you have to, do what you have to do – but be on time.

Lack of manners comes in many forms: people who greet you one day but completely ignore you the next (this is some kind of social one-upmanship which for the life of me I have never been able to understand.) Others interrupt your conversation with someone else; still others don’t make the necessary introductions when there are people who don’t know one another.

Rudeness is rife because so many people seem to suffer from an insecure self-image; deep down they feel inadequate so they compensate by projecting this ‘I’m better than you’ image. The more a person struts and postures, the more hang ups they have. As we like to say colloquially, “it’s all bluff”. Examine them at close quarters and they are as fluffy as a soufflé, and will deflate accordingly once you stand up to them. Like Ahmed the terrorist who squawks “I kill you” it’s all bravado; an act by a silly puppet who speaks through a ventriloquist.

Kids’ stuff

Where I really despair is when I hear the way children talk with each other and with their parents. They employ this gruff, arrogant voice, demanding and imperious, wanting what they want, because it is their right. What hope do we have of instilling manners when a child as young as six has already embarked on the road to rudeness?

It’s not restricted to one social class or the other either – the language may be different but the tone of voice is the same. In fact, when an English speaker really wants to be rude, he resorts to Maltese street lingo, suddenly coming up with such an arsenal of colourful phrases it makes your hair stand on end.

This general lack of respect depresses me.

I hear it on TV talk shows, radio phone ins (“ha nghidlek jien hi!), during Parliament, and practically everywhere I go. Even teachers, our educators, don’t seem to see anything wrong with it, and here is where I really give up. It makes me wonder whether what I consider rudeness is considered the norm. I feel like going round with a tape recorder and then playing people’s conversations back to them and asking, ‘what do you think? Was your tone arrogant and rude just then or not?” It might be an eye opener.

Many years ago someone once asked me in all seriousness why I have a problem with the word “hi” (the English equivalent would probably be ‘love’ as in ‘thanks, love’). That’s when it hit me: if I had to explain why it’s not OK to speak so familiarly to someone you don’t know, then the problem is so deep it requires more than just an occasional article like this.

I say we should find room in our national curriculum to teach good manners at school – if there are enough well-mannered teachers to teach the subject that is.

Otherwise at the rate we’re going, we will all end up grunting at each other to communicate.

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