The idea of forgiving someone who has hurt you may be hard to grapple with, particularly if the pain caused by an individual or group is something you're still struggling with. However, this indignant refusal to forgive, or this difficulty in forgiving, may in part be due to some misconceptions surrounding the term "forgiveness".

So, what is forgiveness?

When we forgive, we're not condoning or denying the severity of what another person or group has done. Rather, forgiveness is a conscious decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance towards a person or group who have caused you harm, irrespective of whether they deserve it or not. It's not something you do for the other person but for yourself, to disentangle from your past and help you move forward with your life.

One misconception, which I often encounter in the therapy room, is that letting go of anger may cause people to forget what happened, thus making oneself vulnerable to being harmed again. Holding onto anger can feel like a protective mechanism, because it keeps you at arm's length from the person who harmed you and remind you of what this person has done to you. However, the reality is that forgiving doesn't erase memories and needn't result in reconciliation. So, while you may feel that you're protecting yourself from harm by holding onto anger, you're actually harming yourself in the long run.

What are the risks of not forgiving?

I recall some years ago, meeting a woman who spoke angrily to me for about 30 minutes about what her ex-husband had done to her. The feelings she expressed were so raw that I assumed the divorce was quite recent, only for me to soon realise that the divorce had occurred more than 10 years ago. Sadly, this woman's inability to forgive her ex-husband had driven her adult children away and stopped her moving on to a new, more satisfying relationship.

The inability or refusal to forgive has the power to bind us to our past. This often involves going over and over events and conversations in our head and sharing our story with whomever will listen. Allowing our hurt to dominate our minds and hearts leads to a great deal of inner negativity, anger and bitterness. So, while the person who hurt you is getting on with their life, your life has come to a standstill. This may result in reduced well-being, including mental health challenges and a compromised immune system, making us susceptible to physical illness.

At some point or another, you may have considered taking revenge on someone who has hurt you, with the intention of seeking justice or retribution. While being harmed in some way may leave us feeling helpless, seeking revenge may give us back a feeling of control. The satisfaction gained from acts of revenge are rarely long-lasting, however, and often lead to an escalation of conflict and pain. We see this particularly in religious or ethnic feuds, where innocent people are drawn into centuries of conflict and bloodshed.

What are the benefits of forgiveness?

It empowers you - While often seen as the weak response, there's actually immense strength and dignity in choosing to forgive. By forgiving, you're telling the other person - "You've harmed me but you will not destroy me. I will move on with my life".

It stops an escalation of conflict and pain - Hurting the other person back will not take away your pain. It will just cause more pain and embroil you in further conflict.

Protects our physical and mental health - By constantly thinking and talking about how you were hurt, you remain locked in a state of negativity, anger and sadness. Such emotions weaken the immune system, leading to illness and reduced well-being.

Boosts kindness and connectedness - Choosing to let go of anger and negativity helps you to be more emotionally present for the people in your life you care about.

Sustains relationships - Forgiveness stops the downward spiral created by holding grudges and retaliating, helping us repair our relationships before they break down.

It supports closure - Once you process and work through your pain and forgive the person who caused it, you'll be in a better position to let go and move forward. This opens your heart and mind for new beginnings, relationships, and so on.

Tips on how to forgive

• Speak to someone you trust about your experience of being hurt, betrayed, and so on, whether it be a close friend, family member or therapist;
• Reflect on what you learned from this experience;
• Be careful not to blame yourself for what happened;
• Accept that you may not receive the acknowledgement or apology you want but that shouldn't be the reason you don't move on;
• Be patient with yourself as you slowly process and move through different emotions, such as anger, sadness, disappointment, regret and others. Forgiveness may take years so be patient with yourself. It really is a process;
• When plotting elaborate plans of revenge, remind yourself that a life well lived is actually the best revenge. As the famous saying goes - "When you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves";
• Forgive the person, not the act, since some acts are too destructive and shocking to even make sense of;
• Remember that your past needn't define you and, while being hurt wasn't your choice, how you move forward is. You're not a victim, you're a survivor. Remember that!
• Remind yourself of the people in your life who love and respect you rather than focusing on those who don't. Invest in these relationships.

Psychotherapist Danjela Falzon works with clients on issues related to anxiety, depression, burnout, stress, relationships, sexuality, personality disorders, self-esteem and self-growth. She forms part of the team at paths Clinic. For more information visit www.paths.care