Christmas is traditionally seen as the time of year families come together to enjoy a festive meal and exchange gifts, making it a wonderful time to reconnect with loved ones we may not have seen much of throughout the year. Of course, not every family fits the Hallmark depiction of the happy family, and this time of year can be a difficult one for many. This is particularly the case when one member of a family is estranged from another, making the prospect of a family lunch daunting, or something to avoid altogether.

Family estrangement occurs when one member of a family cuts contact with another family member. While estrangement may be permanent, it tends to be temporary, allowing time to reduce tensions and reflect on the way forward. Research has found that the most common reasons for family estrangement include abuse, substance use, mental health issues and lack of acceptance of sexual or gender identity or religious and political beliefs. Research carried out by Kristina Scharp, professor at Rutgers University, New Brunswick, found that family estrangement is rarely the result of a one-off incident but, rather, the culmination of years of tension and conflict. Very often, family estrangement may be a final reckoning that one's family member is never going to change, with estrangement serving as a means of self-protection.

Family estrangement impacts everyone within the family system, with feelings of pain, anger, and shame very common among anyone touched by it. While estrangement can be challenging all year round, events which are traditionally seen as family-oriented, such as Christmas, can be particularly difficult. Societal pressures, often exacerbated by social media depictions of the happy family, only confound the complex emotions one may be already experiencing if estrangement has meant being excluded from family get-togethers. If you're estranged from a family member and dreading the festive season, I'd like to provide you with some guidance on how you can navigate this period without your mental health taking a nosedive.

Remember, you're not alone - While I'm not suggesting we revel in other people's troubles, it's important to remember that most families have their fair share of drama, conflict and unhealed trauma. This includes tension among adult siblings, resentment and pain around perceived favouritism, unspoken abuse or neglect carried out within the family, or a lack of acceptance of one person's beliefs, lifestyle, sexual orientation, and so on.

Acknowledge whatever you're feeling - Complex emotions are bound to arise during the festive season, including emotions such as anger, grief, sadness and shame. Rather than denying your feelings or engaging in behaviours, which help you to distract from painful emotions, allow yourself to feel. This may be as simple as acknowledging, "I'm feeling very sad right now" and expressing this feeling by crying, talking, etc.

Seek support - Family estrangement is not something you should go through alone. If you don't have a friend or family member you feel comfortable confiding in, find a therapist or mental health service which allows you to speak to a professional. In Malta, services such as Kellimni.com offer a free online chat service if you're not ready to start psychotherapy.

Know your triggers - Have a really good think about the type of things which, for you, trigger sadness or despair around the holiday season. Is it clips of people talking about how lonely they are during Christmas, or the opposite, people posting on social media about how great their partner or children are? Whatever the triggers, do whatever you can to avoid them, whether it means not watching the news or limiting social media.

Ramp up self-compassion - During this period, it's easy to make negative conclusions about your worth, deciding that you're inferior to others, do not deserve love and companionship or that you're a failure. Please, don't go there. No matter what your circumstances, you are good enough and special just the way you are. When the inner critic pipes up, gently stop the negative self-talk and speak to yourself as you'd speak to someone you love.

Defy societal norms - You may feel shame or embarrassment about not meeting society's expectations during the festive season. Please remember that our situations are all unique, and doing things differently does not mean there's something wrong with you. You are unique, as are your life experiences, and you are free to create your own traditions or plans for the festive season.

Note the things you're grateful for - At the risk of sounding like Pollyanna, I would like to suggest reflecting on one or two things you're grateful for during this time. It may be a good friend who you regard as your "chosen family" or the freedom you have to make choices which you didn't have some years ago.

Tap into your strength - A series of events led you to this point and the fact you're reading this article means you survived. You may have lived a very difficult childhood or experience/s and are now taking care of yourself by avoiding a person or people who caused you pain. This same strength or resilience will get you through this festive season.

Explore alternative ways to 'celebrate' the festive season - You may choose to go abroad on an adventure during the Christmas period, spend the day watching films and eating your favourite food, satisfy your spiritual side by going to see a choir or going to mass, or volunteering for a good cause. If you can, organise your time in advance and create a schedule for the day, or days, of the festive season.

Psychotherapist Danjela Falzon works with clients on issues related to anxiety, depression, burnout, stress, relationships, sexuality, personality disorders, self-esteem and self-growth. She forms part of the team at paths Clinic. For more information, visit www.paths.care