Could you imagine a good friend calling to tell you she didn't get the job she interviewed for and replying - "Well, what were you thinking applying for that job anyway? It's well out of your league. There are people a lot more experienced than you, not to mention more intelligent and accomplished. It's no wonder you didn't get it". Ouch! Of course, you wouldn't say that, right? You're much more likely to reassure your friend of her worth and remind her that other opportunities will arise. Then why, if you wouldn't be so critical with a friend, is there such a strong tendency for us to berate ourselves when we make a mistake or don't succeed?

So, what is self-compassion exactly? Self-compassion is about being kind, gentle and understanding towards ourselves, accepting we're not perfect and make mistakes, and being patient with ourselves as we continuously learn and grow throughout our lives. It involves three main components. The first is Self-kindness, which involves not being self-critical, taking care of our needs and being patient with ourselves. The second component is Common Humanity, which involves remembering that we're not alone, that everyone makes mistakes and has weaknesses, and that comparing ourselves to others is not realistic or fair. The third component involves Mindfulness, a practice which facilitates us being non-judgemental, not allowing our emotions to overwhelm us and displaying a more accepting and open attitude towards our experiences.

For something which is so crucial for our well-being, you may be wondering why we find it so hard to show ourselves compassion. It certainly doesn't come naturally to most of us. I believe there are a number of reasons for this.

Lack of appropriate modelling - Self-compassion is something we're just not taught when we're growing up. And, since children learn from what they observe, parents and other important adults in their lives who haven't learnt to be compassionate with themselves tend to pass this down to their children.

Excessive criticism or lack of love in childhood - Highly critical or shame-filled environments set the scene for low self-worth, which inevitably leads to the inability or reluctance to feel love or compassion for oneself.

The myth that being kind and gentle with yourselves is indulgent and selfish - The belief that being self-compassionate will make us complacent and lazy. This myth is based on the belief that criticising and being cruel to ourselves is the only thing that will push us to achieve our goals, but the reverse is actually true. Constant self-criticism eventually wears us down, reducing our self-worth and making us more likely to give up.

Our quest for 'Perfection'

A number of barriers to adopting a more self-compassionate outlook may exist, but there's no disputing that kindness and self-love are the way to go in terms of us living healthier, happier lives. In fact, we can be self-compassionate in so many ways. See below for some tips on incorporating some self-love and kindness into your life:

• Don't downplay your achievements. We have a tendency to focus on our failures or errors while giving little or no importance to our successes. Not really very fair now, is it? Go on, risk a little self-indulgence and pat yourself on the back every now and then.
• If you make a mistake, acknowledge it but don't get stuck in a vicious cycle of rumination and self-criticism. Instead, turn your inner dialogue into a more patient and understanding one. For example, tell yourself "I made a mistake but I'm only human. Everyone makes mistakes". Then see what you can learn from it, thus trying to turn the situation into an opportunity to grow and develop. Tearing yourself to pieces isn't going to reverse the mistake so you may as well try to adopt a more positive attitude towards the situation.
• Get in touch with what you need and act on it - if you're tired, rest; if you're unwell, don't go into work; if you're feeling overwhelmed, do whatever you need to de-stress and feel well again. It's actually so simple but most of us fight against our body's warning signs to slow down.
• When feeling low or anxious, do something which makes you feel safe and loved. Call a friend, listen to your favourite music, have a soothing cup of tea, cook your favourite meal, watch a funny film, and so on.
• Allow people to take care of you every so often. I have to admit, this is a hard one. How many times are you in need of support or help and when someone offers a hand, you refuse? Crazy, right? Even if it's something as simple as the offer of a cup of tea, practise saying "yes". Being kind to yourself also involves allowing others to treat you well and in doing so, you're also benefitting from connection with others. It's a win-win!!
• Remind yourself that your value and worth are unconditional and that you're good enough just as you are. A good way to do this is to actually tell yourself "I love and accept myself just as I am". You may feel weird but it works!