I haven't set eyes on our next door neighbour (The other way), Raymond the hairdresser, for... ooh it must be months. I do know he has been away on holiday in... Thailand, I think he told my wife. It wouldn't surprise me, since he seems to acquire most of his... ahem - young men from that neck of the woods. Then the other day I was giving the car a long overdue wash when I heard a voice from over the wall.

"It's not water you should be pouring on it... it's petrol - or anything flammable."

Yes it was, the long lost Ray being sarcastic about my admittedly superannuated Toyota.

I ignored the sarcasm and continued to burnish the rust. I changed the subject and asked my neighbour how he had enjoyed his vacation in Thailand. He made some positive sounds and then added:

"Actually Lou I brought a Thai friend back for a holiday here, you must both pop in for a drinky and meet him."

That is yet to happen actually. But about a week ago Ray did tell my wife that he and his Thai friend, whose name is Noot or Nuke or something, were thinking seriously of opening a Thai restaurant here in Malta. My wife thought it a lovely idea and said so. But just a day or so later Ray confided in her that the idea was on hold, since Noot or Nuke... whatever... couldn't cook. Apparently he even has trouble boiling water.

I did manage to get some sort of revenge over Ray for his remarks about my car. I was pottering in the front garden the other evening when Ray's car pulled into his drive, after a hard day's titivating the peroxide locks of the nation's wealthier widows. He clambered out and seeing me a few metres away he sighed:

"Hi Lou, bloody hot isn't it. I'm about to go indoors and slip into something cool."

I don't know why I replied the way I did, but hey the damage is done now. As he started fumbling with his front door keys, I shot back:

"I see, so you've started dating an Eskimo now have you?"

He paused in his fumble, shot me a look of pure hate, then located the front door keyhole and exited the scene.

I thought, at the time, that my intervention was... well quite a witty one. Obviously Ray didn't agree and neither did my wife when I related the incident to her some time later. She shot back with:

"He said you were homophobic - and I think I agree with him."

I left it, nearly 30 years of marriage has taught me that those are ones you never win. Mind you, I haven't exactly been excelling on the PR front with our neighbour Ray of late. The other evening we arrived home at the same time. He parked his car in his drive, while I did the same with my rust-bucket. As he emerged from his rather too shiny vehicle I noticed that he had changed both the style and colour of his hair, so I remarked on the fact. As I did so my wife hissed at me to: "Leave it." Ray scowled over the wall at me and went inside his house. Later my wife took me to task with:

"You silly idiot. Didn't you know that Ray wears a hairpiece... he's almost completely bald."

Well no, I really didn't know actually. Honest! Dear oh dear... how not to make friends and influence nobody.