Narcissism is a pattern characterised by insecurity, entitlement, grandiosity, lack of empathy, poor emotional regulation, rage, arrogance and high conflict behaviour. While there are different sub-types of the narcissistic personality style, it stands to reason that anyone in close contact with a narcissist, such as a friend, colleague, family member or partner, is likely to experience toxic and abusive behaviour from this person. In order to reduce the impact on such behaviour on your well-being, I'd like to run through a range of tactics you can employ to manage these challenging and stressful relationships.

Don't defend yourself

A common tactic of the narcissist is to blame and accuse people of all kinds of wrongdoings, dredging up the past and reminding others of apparent transgressions which happened years ago. Since the narcissist relies heavily on projection, often accusing people of the very thing he/she is guilty of, this can get pretty confusing. It may be very tempting to point out what's happening, in the hope that they'll realise the error of their ways. Alternatively, you may desperately want to give this person a piece of your mind. Your satisfaction will be very short-lived, however, since narcissists have very little self-awareness and simply don't connect the dots. In fact, since narcissists are looking for a reaction from you, your words will only fuel them further, and you're likely to see them escalating their attack.

Whether the narcissist is communicating with you via email, message or in-person, the main thing you need to do is give them as little back as possible. Don't apologise if you did nothing wrong, as they will use this against you. Don't defend yourself against false claims and keep all communication brief, factual and polite.

Stop expecting them to change

Before I really came to understand how the mind of the narcissist works, I repeatedly fell into the trap of believing that "if only I made them understand how they made me feel, or changed how I behaved, they'd start treating me better and the relationship would improve". Wrong! The narcissist has a toxic personality style, with a set of traits which are relatively fixed, and which govern their behaviour, thought patterns and emotional expression. Unfortunately, narcissists don't have the ability to accurately self-reflect. Therefore, while feedback may lead to short-term change, it won't take long for them to go back to their usual toxic behaviour patterns. Once you stop expecting anything different from this person, you'll save yourself a lot of time, energy and pain.

Don't engage

The nature of the relationship you have with a narcissist really determines the extent to how much you can disengage from them. If it's a friend, neighbour or distant relative, it's much easier to limit contact. If it's a parent, sibling, family member or colleague, however, cutting them off or disengaging can be more challenging. In such cases, you may not be able to remove them from your life completely, but you can keep your contact with them very limited. Reduce contact as much as possible and, once again, keep all contact polite and surface level. Don't engage in emotional or deep conversations and never, ever, let your guard down.

Create boundaries

Narcissists lack boundaries and are hugely entitled, resulting in behaviour which can leave you feeling violated, used, abused and exhausted. It's important you first identify the boundary which is needed with the narcissist/s in your life and then take the steps to enforce it.

Examples of boundaries you may need:

-                      Limits on how long you can speak to them over the phone

-                      Asking them not to message or call after a certain time

-                      Not tolerating abuse, physical or verbal

-                      Creating consequences if they violate your boundaries; for example "if you insult me in public again, I won't accompany you to events anymore"

If it's unsafe to express such limits or boundaries, these can be limits you've set internally which you action without informing them. For instance, if this person calls you, inform them that you need to leave the call at a certain time since you have an appointment. You may simply not answer calls from them after a certain time or silence notifications on all messages from them.

Don't make it personal

This is a hard one, because when someone's insulting you, bad-mouthing you and hurling accusations at you, it feels pretty damn personal. Despite appearing quite the opposite, narcissists are highly insecure and are unable to regulate their emotions when they feel hurt or slighted. This results in them throwing temper tantrums you're more likely to expect from a two-year-old. In this moment, all the rage, fear and inadequacy the narcissist is experiencing, is projected onto you. This can be very distressing and upsetting, and your first priority would be to move away from this person. Once you're safe and away from the poisonous outburst, it's important you remind yourself that this is not about you. Narcissists have a tendency to mistreat everyone, particularly those they have a "close" relationship with. It's very easy to internalise their abuse and feel that you're not enough or that there's something wrong with you.  Remember, this is not about you. It's who they are. Once you really allow that to sink in, their toxic words and behaviour won't impact you so deeply.

Take care of yourself

Being on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse and chronic invalidation can take a serious toll on your physical and mental health. Therefore, it's important that you do whatever you can to re-connect with yourself, reduce stress and nourish your body and mind. It may also be wise to see a therapist who can help you manage any toxic relationships, help you identify unhealthy relationship patterns, learn new coping skills and support you in healing from relationship abuse.