Grief and mourning are the ways in which we deal with significant losses. Loss refers not just to the death of a loved one but includes life events such as the end of a relationship, job loss, moving home, infertility, illness and so on. When we experience loss, we feel deprived of something we perceive as meaningful, something or someone we feel a strong attachment to.

Everyone's way of coping with grief is unique, impacted by a vast range of factors. These include our support system, cultural norms, coping mechanisms, personal outlook on life and death, the nature of our relationship with the deceased and the value we placed on whatever or whomever was lost.

Despite our differences in the way we respond to loss and grief, there are a number of emotions and experiences people can expect to go through. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a Swiss psychiatrist, came up with a framework she called the five stages of grief. These stages are not linear, in that you're not expected to move through each stage in a sequence. You may not even experience all of these emotions or you may jump back and forth between stages.

These five stages of grief are as follows:

1.     Denial

Denial is the psyche's way of letting in only what you can handle, allowing you to pace your grief. On hearing of the death of a loved one, you may wonder if there was a mistake or anticipate that, somehow, this person will return. You may feel numb, continuing to go about your life as if nothing happened. Life may suddenly make no sense at all, causing you to feel confused and unsure of how to go on in such circumstances.

2.     Anger

Your anger when experiencing loss may seem to have no limits, extending to your family, friends, doctors, the person who died, yourself and God. You may feel abandoned and let down, not only by the person you lost but by your faith, the medical profession and your community. You may wonder "Why me?" or "Why do bad things happen to good people?" Your ideas about safety, justice or the fairness of life may be shattered. Beneath such anger is intense pain and a range of overwhelming and confusing emotions.

3.     Bargaining

This is the stage of false hope, where you'll do anything for life to return to how it was before the loss. For those who believe in God, bargaining may take the form of pleas such as "If you bring my wife back, I'll become a better person". You'll repeat "if only" or "what if" statements, wishing you could go back in time and catch the illness sooner or prevent the accident.

4.     Depression

As you start to accept the reality of the loss, you're likely to start to feel immense sadness, emptiness and hopelessness. You may be unsure of how you can go on without whomever or whatever was lost. The loss of someone close can make us question our purpose or identity, causing life to feel meaningless or empty. When you grieve the loss of a loved one, you're grieving your past, the present and the future you are unable to enjoy with them.

5.     Acceptance

At this stage you accept that your loved one is gone and life as you knew it has changed forever. Acceptance doesn't mean you're okay with the loss. At the beginning, it may simply mean having more good days than bad, as you slowly start to adjust to life without your loved one. You may have to re-organise roles, take on new responsibilities and re-assign roles to others.

As you start to accept your new reality, you start to build new connections, form new relationships and allow yourself to enjoy life again. This can be a confusing time as you may feel you're betraying your loved one if you feel happy again or feel yourself moving on. The sadness may seem like the only thing connecting you with your loved one. Eventually, however, this will become easier.

Working through grief

Below are some suggestions to help you during the grieving process...

• Write down how you're feeling. Journalling can be a great way to channel feelings in a safe and contained manner
• Create rituals to honour your loved one
• Take care of your health. Failure to take care of yourself will have a negative impact on how you feel, causing you to take longer to feel better
• Talk about your loved one. Reminisce about happier times with those people who also had a relationship with the person who passed away
• Hold onto a physical memory of your loved one. Such items may help you feel closer to the person you lost
• Honour your loved one by living fully, knowing that doing so will not erase the bond and love you feel towards the person you lost
• Be patient with yourself
• Reach out to others
• Look for new hobbies or interests
• Spend time in nature. A great deal of research exists which confirms the healing power of nature
• Since loss can leave us feeling as if our lives have been shattered, it's important to remember what hasn't changed
• Seek professional help

Finally, I'll leave you with a quote which really honours the experience of grief and the strength of the human spirit to keep going amid pain and suffering: "It takes strength to make your way through grief, to grab hold of life and let it pull you forward" - Patti Davis

Psychotherapist Danjela Falzon works with clients on issues related to anxiety, depression, burnout, stress, relationships, sexuality, personality disorders, self-esteem and self-growth. She forms part of the team at paths Clinic. For more information, visit www.paths.care